The story of how a butterfly found her wings

I know who I am now and the clues were there all along

Last week I had this moment where at the age of 37, I felt like I had met myself for the first time.

I’d reached a point in my journey where my left shoulder finally let go enough for the real me to emerge. So much so, I had this urge to go round and re-meet all my friends and family and say ‘this is me, I’m here!’.

I have been lost for a very long time, maybe even my whole life. Losing a loved one at such a delicate age (three), can mark your heart & soul in a way that won’t ever mend. Losing your voice at the tender age of 19 can destroy your identity and your self worth in a way that you cannot even begin to explain. I cannot articulate it in my own brain let alone to anyone else.

But the last couple of years have been a journey of healing and self discovery. Where I have peeled back layers upon layers of trauma, pain, fear, pressure, stress and motherhood to find the girl that got lost.

The me that got buried by a body that went into a state of protection and high vigilance to feel some sort of safety. But that safety mechanism was just a body in tension masking a girl who felt confused, abandoned, terrified, alone, powerless and simply not good enough for herself or anyone else.

This little butterfly

It hasn’t been a pretty journey, but despite being the toughest and loneliest time of my life, a butterfly has slowly emerged and is finding her wings. This little butterfly knows her purpose, she knows her dreams. And she has worked so incredibly hard to find her way in a very deep dark forest.

It turns out the little butterfly, me, is a writer, graphic designer, an educator and a gentle voice for those that need it.

And none of that really is a surprise because the clues were there all along. They have been there throughout the butterflies whole existence, through little things I have always gravitated towards.

Words have formed a big part of my life so first and foremost I, the little butterfly, am a writer. But there’s a designer, and a meaningful voice that flutters strongly too.

The clues to my purpose were there all along:

1. As a child I used to read the telephone book out loud to my Mum…for fun!!
2. I remember curling up in a chair reading a whole book while my Mum got on with jobs or her own painting hobby. Since then I’ve never really put a book down.
3. There was a stage in my life where I’d use my fingers and just write words out as I was talking or listening to someone. No pen. No ink. No paper. I’d just use my finger tip to trace words on a table top.
4. I used to play teachers in my room – a lot – I am not an ‘educator’ in a traditional sense. But I do aim for my brand to educate people on the physical aspect of trauma & grief. I also have a dream to run workshops with children in schools to teach them how to release their emotions in fun, gentle silly ways and bring safety to their lives in a way they might be missing at home.
5. My chosen subjects in sixth form were business studies, graphic design & media studies – I am soon to be launching my own business which encompasses all of these things
6. I have always loved doing crosswords and arrow words – I can’t really explain why other than the enjoyment of words and language
7. My chosen degree & 15 year career was in marketing – although my job wasn’t aligned to my purpose exactly, it has given me a strong foundation and experience that streamlines building a brand for me now
8. When asked what my dream job would be when I was in my previous workplace I didn’t have a clue what to say, so I said ‘probably an author’. It was a flippant answer that I didn’t think carried much meaning, because it was truly a dream. A dream I never thought would be possible. Substack opened the door for me as a writer, and that’s when the butterfly first began to discover she had wings.

The power in finding your wings

Trauma, anxiety, stress, grief, motherhood and many other battles can cause our true heart, soul and purpose to get lost. The world marks us in a way that causes us to hide and mask who we really are, and sometimes we don’t even know we are masking. It has just become our way of living.

Some people won’t ever have that tipping point where they realise they aren’t living the life they are meant to be living.

I did.

I got pushed to a such a point my body couldn’t continue as it was. It had been fighting for many many years and 2025 changed that for me. It was when my healing journey began. I have discovered a LOT about myself along the way but I never thought I’d get to where I am now.

At this very point, right now, I stand with assurance. Of who I am. What I stand for. What my purpose is.

And it blows my mind that the clues were there all along, hiding behind every tree in that very deep dark forest.

We do not gravitate towards hobbies or studies by coincidence. It is our souls searching for belonging. For comfort. A place that feels like home.

Experiences in this world can shatter our being. That we feel completely unrecognisable. Lost in Alice’s Wonderland without wings to fly.

The power comes when we build ourselves back up from top to bottom.

Head to toe.

Finger tip to finger tip.

Wing to Wing.

My journey has been about releasing self doubt and learning to trust myself. To have courage in my body. And to use my voice in an open void.

I no longer look down at the floor as I walk, I look up and out with curiosity. And I will fly from dream to dream because this little butterfly has found her wings.

What is your dream little butterfly? I’d love to know and watch you fly there some day X